What's Your Emotional Culture?

My client Pat really wanted to be lovingly accepting of her partner, but instead felt like the girl in the story where frogs leap out of her mouth each time she opens it to speak – Pat couldn’t seem to help herself; every time she felt annoyed her lips parted and critical words seemed to pour out, relentlessly.

Another, Jay too had the best intentions; to stay focused on his lovely wife this anniversary lunch. But when that busty waitress had taken their order, he couldn’t seem to stop his eyes from following her every move. Alex, on the other hand, really meant to arrange a face-to-face with his accountant, but for some reason social media, scrolling through fascinating on-line articles, and his phone kept occupying him until it was too late to call.

All three of these people had underlying emotions disrupting their best intentions. Easily recognizable to most of us, the greatest saboteurs of our good intentions are undoubtedly our emotions. When we aren’t consciously in charge of them, our unaddressed feelings will take charge – determining our thinking, our behaviours and our actions (or non-actions as the case may be.)

While I daily witness my coaching clients transform their lives and relationships with a new understanding (and mastery) of emotions, the environments they function in don’t necessarily change. As a result, a significant part of learning to master emotions -and stress- involves, for most people, their responses to not only the people and events in their lives but to the culture of emotions at their workplaces or in their families.

An emotional culture is the shared emotional norms, values and assumptions that determine the way we interact and express ourselves, within a group, in a corporation or other workplace, or in a family. This also includes the emotions we, often subconsciously, agree to collectively supress.

Emotional culture has only recently been given some emergent attention in the corporate world, in spite of the immense focus on emotional intelligence during the last more than three decades. In other collective situations, such as families, schools, organizations, and groups, it has still not yet been given close to the attention it deserves. As a result, we suffer difficulties and disputes that are often quite unnecessary. Particularly during economic downtimes or in times of upheavals and volatility such as we’re seeing in the world right now, emotional culture can easily intensify and any dysfunctions become exaggerated, - which may explain why today, it feels increasingly relevant.

When the world seems in disarray and our own local environment is also uncertain, all the insecurity can feel even worse than it is. If in addition, there is a culture of anxiety or fear, the results can include reduced trust and trustworthiness, lower morale, and diminished communication skills, learning ability and even memory retention – none of which will serve anyone and will certainly make it harder to manage our own emotions and stress-responses.

But becoming aware of the emotional culture that surrounds us can help us to become more self-aware, aware of our own often unconscious contribution, and to care better for ourselves and our own emotional health. AND, it can make a momentous difference in our interactions, given that (as I illuded to in my last blog) our emotions underlie both how we give and receive ALL our communication, and so how we connect with each other.

Do you know the emotional culture of your work and/or home environment?

Here are a few suggestions to help you explore this important question.

• Notice and track what others are feeling. Try to tune in, without any judgment. Pay attention to body language, facial expressions, and conversation.

• Notice whether you are doing anything to contribute (positive or negative), and if (and how) you can make a more positive, considered contribution.

• Notice what you yourself feel on a regular basis: check in with yourself every hour or so and make a note. You may find surprising patterns or an unexpected frequency of a specific emotion.

• Initiate conversations about stress, tension, or general feelings.

• Ask yourself how you can create more quality of connection and communication. Look for ways to celebrate wins before moving on to the next task.

• In your environment (family, team, or organization) initiate a group discussion about emotional culture and what you all want the emotional values to be. If possible, brainstorm steps you can take to achieve your desired experience.

Countless studies show that the emotional culture of any environment will impact personal/employee satisfaction, collaboration, and burnout (and as a result the bottom line), whether it’s the corporate or family culture. To quote a recent article in the Harvard Business Review: “When managers ignore emotional culture, they’re glossing over a vital part of what makes people -and organizations- tick.”

If all this resonates with you, we're here to help! For more on our programs -current and upcoming- or to contact us regarding coaching, mentoring, and facilitation, please email us here. We'd love to hear from you!