Hedgehog or Human Dilemma?

Have you heard of the hedgehogs’ dilemma? The philosopher Schopenhauer wrote a parable about it more than a century ago. It went something like this: In the wintertime when the cold became almost unbearable, the hedgehogs tried to get close to each other, seeking to huddle together and share each others’ body heat. Unfortunately, as soon as they did, their spines pricked each other, which of course hurt and they recoiled. The cold however, drove them towards one other again but the same thing happened time and time again.  Eventually the hedgehogs learned that they were best off maintaining a little distance from each other – in their own space.

Freud quoted this parable in his explorations of human relationships, posing a number of questions including how much intimacy can we as humans actually endure? It’s a good question and one I think many of us grapple with at some time - I know I certainly have! It’s especially interesting –almost paradoxical– in light of the findings by neuro scientists that our brains are hard-wired to connect. In fact, the same circuitry that processes pain when we are not connecting (for example in social rejection) is layered right on top of the circuits involved in physical pain.

Curiously the brain’s circuitry that we use to navigate connection - our social life and all relationships - is very different from the circuitry we use for problem solving and analytical thinking. The more we, for example, focus on solving a problem from a logical, linear perspective, including if we feel any pressure or sense of urgency, the more likely we are to distance ourselves from people around us (ironically even those who could help us solve the problem!) 

Conversely, the more we focus on relating to and connecting with others, the more we learn to understand how others might feel and widen our own perspective and scope for problem-solving. Yet given our ever-decreasing attention span, we may also feel we are neglecting the ‘problems’ and even ‘wasting’ our time and so we cut short the communication and our listening, oft-prematurely. It's a very real human dilemma. Although maybe not as dramatic or black-and-white as the hedgehog’s it’s a dilemma being exacerbated and to my mind considerably worsened by the increasing time we spend ‘connecting’ online instead of in person, or communicating through text instead of actually talking.

Because the words we use in texts are just a small percentage of the communication (studies show as low as 7%) not only do we lose the valuable and much needed feelings of connection, we also become prone to losing over 90% of all that we could be receiving in real connection. Paradoxically, we have the same dilemma as the hedgehog!

We can however begin to bridge this paradox by being more deliberate and mindful in our processes of connecting with each other.

Here’s an exercise to help – activating a state of connection (you may want to read a record it, -speaking slowly- and play it back to follow it.)

Give yourself 5 or 10 minutes undisturbed, and get seated in a comfortable position.

Close your eyes and focus on your breathing, allowing it to slow down.

Extend the exhale slightly, and once relaxed focus your attention in your heart and heart area, sensing your heart in the centre of your breathing.

Allow yourself to activate an inner smile, feeling the sense of warmth you get from smiling, deep in your chest. Allow it to spread, filling up your chest and torso. Then feel it spreading out from you, holographically radiating around you. As you feel yourself in the very centre of this holographic emission of warm energy, ‘feel’ the energy connecting to one or more of your loved ones, OR to anyone who may be in the room with you. Focus on connecting your warm, coherent energy with others and enjoy how very good it feels, in your body. Savour it, relish it, bask in it!

Whenever you’re ready bring your attention back into your heart area, your breath, and your whole body. Feel the sensation of the warm energy radiating through you before you open your eyes.

Make a decision to refer back to this feeling as you go about your day, and especially before you take out your phone to text. (Maybe you need to make a call instead?)

More on communication (and that 7%) in next month's Blog!

For more on our programs -current and upcoming- or to contact us regarding coaching and facilitation, please email us here.

We'd love to hear from you!