Just One Thing

As ‘resolution-January’ just ended, I wonder, where do you look for hacks to help you make changes? Blogs? Books? Magazines? Wherever we look, there seem to be plenty of ‘short cut’ advice out there, - often in list format. My own experience is that whenever I pick up a magazine, it always (literally always) contains pages and pages of lists: ’10 steps to happiness’, ‘5 tricks to getting fit’, ‘7 ways to pivot your career’ or ‘13 Longevity hacks’ etc.

Although helpful, these lists can also appear over-simplistic, but their very simplicity is why we like them – they make change feel doable.  And we all need to feel that, especially at this time of year when so many of us are feeling discouraged by our seeming inability to adopt new habits.

So, jumping on the bandwagon, I created a list – to help with (of course) emotions, whether about resolutions or desired changes for improving emotional or relational intelligence.  But the key is, that it’s a list of options. While all 12 will be helpful, the 'hack' is that integrating one by one is the key to success - Pick any ONE to apply – focus on just one at a time – and notice and appreciate any resulting shift. Then keep noticing.

 12 HABITS FOR MASTERING EMOTIONS AND RELATIONAL INTELLIGENCE

1.    If you have, or have had, a lapse, forgive yourself (there’s no such thing as failure, only bumps on the road to success). Self-compassion is key! If or when you do slip up, smile compassionately to yourself (in the mirror) say ‘Ooops, no big deal!’ and start again.

2.    Label your emotions – whether out loud or just to yourself, and PLEASE make a distinction between what you think and what you feel.

3.    Take responsibility for your feelings – Own your own emotional reality. (Check in your body; where & what are your feelings?)

4.    Acknowledge when your negative emotions aren’t serving you & others. Then take 5. (Use tension release to let go and widen your perspective.)

5.    Self-regulate to understand and problem-solve whatever is causing the emotion, (use long-exhale-breathing & active the inner-smile).

6.    Look for learning and growth in your negative emotions.

7.    Self-regulate to change negative emotions into energized states (i.e. anger can become passion or drive to take action).

8.    Be respectful towards and validate other people’s feelings, regardless of what you think of them AND regardless of their age.

9.    Place your own agenda aside in order to step into someone else’s shoes. Apply the resulting empathy, by communicating it or otherwise supporting the other person.

10. Avoid the blame game (or ‘sending someone on a guilt-trip’!)

11. Limit judgment and criticism (aim for eliminating both) of others, and honour everyone’s unique path and emotional reality.

12. Do not try to control or change others. (It’s not possible anyway!)

We can all make change, but your emotions are stronger than any logical thinking or ‘good intentions’ - so begin with going to your emotions. This will always be the key to change. As Neuroscientist Antonio Damasio says " WE ARE NOT THINKING MACHINES THAT FEEL, WE ARE FEELING MACHINES THAT THINK."

More on change next time! If you want help with change, either for yourself, your team or your family, get in touch with us here.