When Shit Happens

Joni was just 5 years old when her single mother lost her job. As they started having financial difficulties, Mum made a point of not saying anything in front of the children. However, she worried a lot and would lie awake at night fretting. During the day she was tired and would easily drift off into her own anxiety-ridden thoughts. When Joni asked her what was wrong, she would smile and say ‘Nothing sweetie! Everything’s fine.” And turn away from her, back to her own fretting. But Joni felt that something was wrong. She became more and more serious, insecure and introverted, and the more Mum became wrapped up in her own worries, giving less and less attention to Joni, the more insecure Joni became. She was nervous and difficult to communicate with at school, and finally there was a melt-down when Mum was called in. The school counselor discovered that Joni thought her Mother didn’t love her anymore. The counselor explained to Mum that even if it wasn’t appropriate to share her worries with her five-year old, when Joni asked her what was wrong, she should let her know that she wasn’t feeling well or that she was having to deal with grown-up problems that had nothing to do with Joni. This, at least would validate Joni’s feelings that Mum was unhappy – which were right!  Telling Joni that she was wrong merely created another problem.

Particularly when there is a crisis – such as our current economic one – children are not only often ignored and even neglected, but have invariably never been given any tools to help them deal with either the crisis they sense or the adults’ inattention.

In an oft-misguided attempt to protect our children, we inadvertently neglect to give them what they need to handle the messier aspects of life that we unfortunately, try as we may, cannot protect them from. In my work with parents, I have been asked; what is the one most valuable thing we can teach our children? My reply is always the same: Life happens, shit happens, and a lot of it doesn’t always look or feel good. Your main job, as a parent, is to teach your children how to handle it. 

SUGGESTIONS:

Manage your own internal state with journaling to process emotions and unload stress.

Do daily short meditations focused on shifting your emotional state, for example heart-centred meditations such as the ones here.

Use lengthened exhale breathing (4 counts in- 6 counts out) to centre yourself in-the-moment

Use the journaling, breathing and meditations to access you own intuitive guidance on how to age-appropriately be congruent and coherent in your parenting.

For help with managing difficult emotional reactions to 'shit happening,' (that make you behave, parent, or lead in ways you don't feel good about), contact us. ...............

Or check out our newest online program for career women with children The Tuned-In Way, that includes personal 1-2-1 coaching and group sessions, as well as tools to keep for life, for yourself and your children.